5 feb (again)

As shadows in the land of nowhere.

5 Feb.

As time goes by, yet another year has passed.

Time to bury someone again

Heading to John's funeral :(

:(

R.I.P John

Farbror John (som egentligen är min mormors bror och inte alls min farbror) har nu förlorat kampen både mot cancern och efterverkningarna av den :(

Varje besök hos John hade ett obligatoriskt kaffedrickande på schemat - till och med jag som vanligtvis INTE dricker kaffe drack kaffe - riktigt kaffe, ofta kokt på björkved, inte något kaffebryggarkaffeblask (som vissa skulle säga) ;)

Vem ska jag nu dricka kaffe med på altanen nere vid sjön?

ännu en söndag, ännu en septemberdag

Och veckan har bara försvunnit, gårdagen försvann nästan innan jag noterade att det var lördag!
Idag är det söndag igen, jag borde städa igen (förstår inte alls hur det kan bli så rörigt så fort!?!). Borde tvätta igen (tvättade bara det högprioriterade när jag kom hem från Holland och resten väntar fortfarande - i hög), tänkte få det gjort igår men eftersom tvätta är tråkigt så hoppade jag liksom över det.

Moment tre som borde göras är en planering av kommande vecka - vad ska pluggas ungefär när + vad har jag på min genso-lista som ska vara klart när osv. Annars slutar det med ännu en vecka som den här, en massa tid försvinner.

Och naturligtvis skiner solen utanför huset, och jag insåg precis att det ligger ett tunt lager av löv på gräsmattan. Jag vet vad det innebär - snart är det höst på riktigt. Vilken konstig känsla det ger mig, känns som om sommaren precis började medan det i verkligheten är lite av ett "shit det är redan början av september!".

Det är som att vakna upp ur en dröm igen. Det är den här tiden på året när jag vanligtvis brukar fundera på vad jag egentligen gör med livet.

1 (B-Å), 2 (A), 3 (F) och 5 (P) år har gått :(

seeing "ghosts"?

I just saw a "ghost" (perhaps "something that can not be" would be a good replacement for the word "ghost" since I don't really believe that there is such thing).

Time stopped for a second or two. So this is how it feels.

"High on diesel and gasoline, psycho for drum machine
shaking their bits to the hits.
Drag acts, drug acts, suicides, in your dad's suits you hide
staining his name again.
Cracked up, stacked up, 22, psycho for sex and glue,
lost it to Bostik, yeah.
Shaved heads, rave heads, on the pill, got too much time to kill,
get into bands and gangs."

timeout!

Deal with some stuff, bury some ppl, attend some memorials, visit my father who's ill, leave the annoying stuff behind for a while. List is growing longer.

I need a break from pretty much everything,
catch you later ppl.

R.I.P B-Å

I do not know what it is about guys born in 1982 and death.
I do know that yet another one of them is dead.

Cancer, overdoses, hangings, car accidents, fires - you name it. Seems to kill the ones we care about - even the young ones.

"Öppna ett fönster, ställ det på glänt."

R.I.P
B-Å

From Archive: "how to..."

...fly to Schiphol, Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Take a train towards Leiden. Forget to get off the train there, reach Den Haag before realising it. Take the next train back to Leiden. Get off the train there (and not continue to Amsterdam by mistake) and manage to get on a bus to Noordwijk aan Zee.

Find the Mitchbi and get a room there. Drink too much Kwak. Forget your red pills back in Sweden. Visit the ESTEC medical center. Run around Katwijk looking for a pharmacy you know is somewhere there. Borrow money from your friend in order to pay for stuff. Share a small bed with the same friend. Go from being asleep to being on the bus in 5 minutes. Lose a jacket. Almost miss the bus when going to the airport. Get stuck on an airport in Copenhagen (!?!) on a travel from Amsterdam to Stockholm, 4 hours due to a snow storm...

All this in a bit less than 4 intense days. You can make this happen if you are like Axel were.

Miss you dear
R.I.P

time is...running

Sunday again, shit. Time must be running since it feels like it was Sunday just yesterday :s

So what's new? Not that much, I think. We sold a car today. My father is at the hospital since some days (nothing too serious though), looks like he's staying there for some more days too (observations or so). I took a bunch of pictures yesterday. Autumn is kind of here, leaves start being yellow/orange & mushrooms are found everywhere.

Apples & plums need to be taken care of soon, they start falling off the trees. Apple wine is on its way. Evenings are dark - early! Temperature drops rapidly - 6 degrees (of separation? Perhaps not.) now, was 12 or so earlier today! *brr*

*restless as every year by the end of summer*

black? red? who knows?

Autumn is coming fast! Just hit my mind that it's mid August now and that I am supposed to go to Luleå again in less than one week! Exam is coming soon and studying does not work out well at the moment...bah. Sigh. Before I go to Luleå then I also got to head into the city some day and pick up my bike, just need to figure out where I left it first (and hope that it hasn't been stolen since this weekend).

Was completely soaked when I got back home today - it was, and still is, really really rainy outside. I don't like this very much. I know the physics behind it but I can still barely understand how this much water just can come from some whitegreyish clouds :P

*a physicist thinking about daily stuff*

Right, I am going to change my hair colour again, soon. Not going black this time, going red instead ;)

Going to be one year really really soon :(

{ tusen bitar }

Heard approximately half of this song today, on the radio while we were driving back home...brought back some good/bad memories.

Tusen bitar - Björn Afzelius

Det sägs att ovan molnen är himlen alltid blå,
men det kan va svårt att tro när man inte ser den.
Och det sägs att efter regnet kommer solen fram igen,
men det hjälper sällan dom som har blitt våta.

För när vännerna försvinner, eller kärleken tar slut,
ser man allt med lite andra ögon.
Man övar sig, och långsamt blir man bättre på att se
skillnad mellan sanningar och lögner.

Allting kan gå itu, men ett hjärta kan gå i tusen bitar.
Säger du att du är min vän så är du kanske det.
Allting kan gå itu, men ett hjärta kan gå i tusen bitar.
Säger du att du är min vän så är du kanske det.

Det sägs att det finns alltid nånting bra i det som sker,
och tron är ofta den som ger oss styrka.
Ja, man säger mycket, men man vet så lite om sig själv
när ångesten och ensamheten kommer.

För när vännerna försvinner, eller kärleken tar slut,
ser man allt med lite andra ögon.
Så man övar sig, och långsamt blir man bättre på att se
skillnad mellan sanningar och lögner.

Allting kan gå itu, men mitt hjärta kan gå i tusen bitar.
Säger du att du är min vän så är du kanske det.

La - la - la - la - aaa.

Allting kan gå itu, men mitt hjärta kan gå i tusen bitar.
Säger du att du är min vän så är du kanske det.

La - la - la - la - aaa.

Oh allting kan gå itu, men mitt hjärta kan gå i tusen bitar.
Säger du att du är min vän så är du säkert det.

"...and I wait without you"

Life must go on, with or without you.

getting really close to 6 months now...

...and I still miss him.

::: this one is for you Axel - Becoming Insane by Infected Mushroom :::

*saknar*

another down, one less to go

*d-o-n-e*

To quote one of my "lost" friends (no name required):

"så brakade det helt ihop likt en spark på ett försvagat hus byggt på tändstickor. kvar ligger en enda hög av bråte mer lättantändligt än fnöske. i hörnet av grunden kan en svag glöd antyas och det är enbart vinden som avgör ödet."

"så nu vet du. det är vad jag tänker. det är vad jag tycker. det är vad jag vill. oavsett vad."

*s-a-k-n-a-r*

5th of February

It is early morning, sometime just before 5. I am awake and in my bed, in my room, next door to the kitchen. The room has one window, located to the right of the bed, there are roses below the window - of course covered with snow during this season.

I can see through the open door, across the hall, reaching as far as to the closed door to the other room. The light is on in there, can see it below the door.

Something woke me up - a ringing phone.

It is early morning on the 5th of February 1988 and my grandmother just passed away at an "early" age. It has been 20 years now and I am surprised that I still remember the details. Since I can still remember what the room (my room) looked like together with the rest of the apartment. 

Fine, you usually remember places you have lived in for quite some time - but: 

1) I was not that old back then; 

2) I moved a lot when I grew up (8 places in 9 years); 

3) I don't remember that much of the other places I stayed in.

*virtual candle for my long lost grandmother*

stones & memories

Climbing walls, cleaning closets. 

That is what I have been up to for the past days. Today did just vanish, wonder what tomorrow will be like?

Stones = my current desktop picture. 

Can't help it but I love stones and springs - maybe I should have done something else with my life???

Heard this song today - almost scary how a song can bring up memories you thought were forgotten.

sorry | förlåt

"I have to put an end to this since it is probably the best for both of us."


So I did. I feel so free and relieved but on the same time cut in half as if a part of me is missing.

Förlåt --- jag hoppas att du en dag förstår varför det var enda utvägen. Att du förstår varför det blev så här.


Currently listening to: Kent - Vapen & Ammunition ("Weapons & Ammunition")

why, ooh why?

I recovered this one from one of my other blogs, from the past. Originally posted last year with the same name.
These lines in the beginning are all I am going to add.

---

I should not need to ask, I do know.

He is no longer among us, the friend who has been going up and down lately and for some time. The past and the present became too much to handle.

Been there, done that. Been close to that line, but I found something to live for - so here I am today. Maybe not always happy, but alive.

"and I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world"

I remember the crazy, sometimes mad moments but also the sad ones: all the times when Jens was declared being a complete idiot, when he walked around at uni in the middle of the winter without shoes but in big socks instead, when he pushed me into watching Day Break for 6 hours (I kind of hate these "series") in a row, when he got me into a car with him, when he got me on that motorcycle with him, when we were running around Katwijk looking for a pharmacy, when MAX was a must-go-to -before-I-die since they had coffee and we didn't, when there was too much Kwak, when he got lost on the way from his home to mine, when we woke up together, when he was running around naked in my room looking for clothes and suddenly stopped and said "you don't happen to have a towel, do you?" before heading off to my closet looking for one, when he called in the middle of the night just to say "hey - I got it, I know how to solve it - call you in the morning" and then just hung up without saying more just for calling couple of hours later again, when he told me that things were not going to work out, when he told me about the "red ones" and I just said "I know, you don't have to tell me", when he told me that "mad world" was a nice description of his life, when he went into his "your majesty mood", ..., and all the other things not to be forgotten.

Axel - R.I.P my dear. You are and will stay in our hearts.
Miss you so much.

Everything passes with time, memories fade away even if they remain, even this I guess - but currently it hurts so much to even walk by his old house.