and I just want to leave again

The room is dark.

The ceiling is high.

The apartment is silent.

The boxes are still packed.

And I just want to leave again.

There are so many things I want.

There are so many things I do not want.

There are so many things I can not control.

There are so many things I just have to "sit out on".

And I just want to leave again.

So I need to become more of a bitch?!?

For the 2nd time in very short time I got to hear that I am too nice and good towards someone. Wtf does this world want from me? Apparently I need to become more of a bitch. WTF?!?

Or when I think of it - I should not. I should just "leave" these people out of my life since they apparently can not handle that I am the person I am. So it is. Here we go.

bah - or just shit

.

.

.

Feels like I am going to KILL someone. For real.

Västerås now has the label "cancel" on it.

And I will soon (as from 25 march) have no job, no place to stay in, nothing.

Easy come, easy go. Or something like it.

Feels like I am going to KILL someone. For real.

Västerås

April++

It's a new dawn, it's a new life.

lol

Tänk vad man kan hitta om man städar lite bland sina filer!
Är det här jag? Kanske det. Till viss del iaf.

Personlighetstyp:
Logiskt sinnade, kreativa tänkare. Kan bli mycket entusiastiska över teorier och idéer. Strävar ofta att bringa klarhet i teoretiska frågor. Värderar kunskap, logik och kompetens mycket högt. Tystlåtna och reserverade. Svåra att komma inpå livet. Individualister. Ointresserade av ledarskap och makt. Deras analytiska förmåga gör det lätt för dem att upptäcka samband som andra inte ser. Fungerar bäst när de uppmuntras att använda sin fantasi och förmåga till kritiskt tänkande.

Karriärer som skulle kunna passa:
Fysiker, kemister, biologer, fotografer, strateger, matematiker, universitetslärare, programmerare, animatörer, tekniska skribenter, ingenjörer, jurister, brottsplatsutredare, skribenter, artister, psykologer, systemvetare, utredare, besiktningsmän, lantmätare.

"oba ob..."

"oba, ob-serving the hypocrites

as they would mingle with the good people we meet"

2010 apparently

Yet another new year they say. I must be living close to some kind of cavity in space-time, cause time keep vanishing around me.

There is something with how the light shines upon colours, making things glow.

Autumn. What else?

ännu en söndag, ännu en septemberdag

Och veckan har bara försvunnit, gårdagen försvann nästan innan jag noterade att det var lördag!
Idag är det söndag igen, jag borde städa igen (förstår inte alls hur det kan bli så rörigt så fort!?!). Borde tvätta igen (tvättade bara det högprioriterade när jag kom hem från Holland och resten väntar fortfarande - i hög), tänkte få det gjort igår men eftersom tvätta är tråkigt så hoppade jag liksom över det.

Moment tre som borde göras är en planering av kommande vecka - vad ska pluggas ungefär när + vad har jag på min genso-lista som ska vara klart när osv. Annars slutar det med ännu en vecka som den här, en massa tid försvinner.

Och naturligtvis skiner solen utanför huset, och jag insåg precis att det ligger ett tunt lager av löv på gräsmattan. Jag vet vad det innebär - snart är det höst på riktigt. Vilken konstig känsla det ger mig, känns som om sommaren precis började medan det i verkligheten är lite av ett "shit det är redan början av september!".

Det är som att vakna upp ur en dröm igen. Det är den här tiden på året när jag vanligtvis brukar fundera på vad jag egentligen gör med livet.

1 (B-Å), 2 (A), 3 (F) och 5 (P) år har gått :(

Åke(mannen) visited me the other days, on his way from the north to the south. Hadn't seen him in way too many years so it was a nice visit! *tnx*

Why not? We are not that old! ;)

beep beep

Started with an early morning. Then spent the day in the land of nowhere. Place where cellphones do not even work. Loads of mosquitoes. Roads where two cars barely can meet. Green trees. Blue sky. White fluffy clouds. Grey calm clouds. Black thunderous clouds. Loads of wild flowers. Picnic. Scent of forest. Scent of freshness.

Now some tea.

Nice. Happy.

I am in...

...accept or not?

That's _the_ question.

seeing "ghosts"?

I just saw a "ghost" (perhaps "something that can not be" would be a good replacement for the word "ghost" since I don't really believe that there is such thing).

Time stopped for a second or two. So this is how it feels.

"High on diesel and gasoline, psycho for drum machine
shaking their bits to the hits.
Drag acts, drug acts, suicides, in your dad's suits you hide
staining his name again.
Cracked up, stacked up, 22, psycho for sex and glue,
lost it to Bostik, yeah.
Shaved heads, rave heads, on the pill, got too much time to kill,
get into bands and gangs."

3am-ish

It is in the middle of the night and I am not sleeping. Why is that? I wonder, I wonder. I can hear the night traffic now, it is a lot less than during the day. Almost silent outside. In about two hours it will be all different as the morning rush starts. I can hear two birds singing outside of the window. The sun is pretty much up, it is full daylight outside.

I am not easily scared, been through way too much in life for that. But every now and then there is something/someone that/who gets me to seriously have a look at the world around me asking what we think that we are doing in/with it. Today this happened, again.

Like a leaf in the wind.

Nightly mission: white roses

Had a small nightly mission again. Currently not raining over here so things tend to get dry (sunny days too), so I felt like I had to give some of the plants in the garden some water. Just since I happen to want the lawn to stay green and the white roses to bloom even more! The red roses are...out of question this far :(

So around 00:30 I headed out. Approx. 14°, no wind & daylight (got to love these summer nights) - perfect!
Now I know that the white roses are soooooo going to stay alive for some more days, very nice since each time I open my window (happens a lot) I can scent them. Now, if only the room could become a bit cooler and the traffic outside of the house could vanish for some hours so that I could get some sleep! Why not shut down the road during nights? ;)

Happy. Me and my roses.

Midsummer. People generally escape from the city, gather themselves up somewhere in the green non-city environment. I think I will do the opposite this year and not escape, going to stay in the city.

I love my usual escape destination, love it as it usually is. It gives me time and space to think, without having a lot of people around, just having the ones I want to have around actually around. During midsummer that won't happen, as people who never ever sets their feet around that place during any of the other weeks of the year gather themselves up around there too. All of a sudden my escape destination is a crowded nightmare.

But then again. Who knows what I will do? It is midsummer. Ancient things we thought were forgotten are brought back and you never know what happens...Except from the usual rain, the mosquitoes, the way too drunk guy/girl you try to escape from, the dancing, the drinking, the eating, the late night swim in that lake, those memories from past years...

...and suddenly you wake up the next day!

Done. And done.

Application handed in. Now, let's wait. Again. For new things to happen, new things to experience.

Like a...leaf in the wind.

"I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (and pins)

I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name."

Gimme Friday back. Or something.

_not_ jumping

As I was walking home tonight, sometime around midnight, after a small photo session, I passed over a bridge above E4. As I did, I stopped, taking some photos of the nightly summer sky. Northern summer nights almost without darkness :D



Anyway, a grey car drives up next to me and stops, the driver opens the window on the passenger side, starting a conversation with me:

"Hey. How are you? Are you ok?" he said.
"Yep, I am just taking some photos." I replied, holding my camera up so that he could see it too.
"Oh, I thought you were doing something else, thought you were planning to jump. The daughter of a co-worker of mine jumped from this bridge couple of years ago, killing herself. Are you sure you are ok?"
"Yep, finishing and going home now." I said, and then he drove off in the other direction again.

Now when I think of it, I have to admit that it's not often you see people crawling on bridges taking photos of the summer sky, especially not around midnight. Suppose that the camera was not visible from inside of that car on some distance either...bah. Guess this guy was just one of these who cares about people in general. It just felt a bit strange, that's it.

"I dig my toes into the sand,
the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
strewn across the blue blanket.
I lean against the wind.
Pretend I am weightless
and in this moment
I am happy...happy."

Holland. Vilka minnen. Kan inte glömma. Stänger mina ögon. Svävar. Igen.