bye bye ESMO

It is always a matter of finding the appropriate moment.

Latest step of my let-me-get-rid-of-some-commitments-and-then-figure-out-what-I-really-want-to-do-with-my-life: I simply left the ESMO system engineering team the other day - meaning that I am currently not in Noordwijk, NL, attending the workshop running this week and I am not going to be around now when ESMO has officially moved from Phase A into Phase B1. Best wishes to the ones staying within the project, thank you for the good and the bad times we all shared. Take good care of the "baby". 

For me it is time to move on now.

should let go

He has been around, on and off, for quite some time now. It does not matter anymore. The past and the present tell me that i should let go this time. For real. Cut the strings and not go back. Not turn around. Just keep going and forget him.

Maybe one day we will find a way to be "friends only".

Keeping this up right now only makes both of us go crazy. Since that is what is happening, at least with me. I get annoyed. I feel pushed. I feel like crap. I feel like he is on my nerves all the time. I feel like I don't want to see him.
I have been avoiding him lately, can admit that, not without a reason though. Can not continue like this, it has to stop soon.

BUT - I somehow love him even though I hate him.

How can I both love and hate someone so much at the same time? I have to stop this before I start to hate myself for it.

I have to put an end to this since it is probably the best for both of us.

why, ooh why?

I recovered this one from one of my other blogs, from the past. Originally posted last year with the same name.
These lines in the beginning are all I am going to add.

---

I should not need to ask, I do know.

He is no longer among us, the friend who has been going up and down lately and for some time. The past and the present became too much to handle.

Been there, done that. Been close to that line, but I found something to live for - so here I am today. Maybe not always happy, but alive.

"and I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world"

I remember the crazy, sometimes mad moments but also the sad ones: all the times when Jens was declared being a complete idiot, when he walked around at uni in the middle of the winter without shoes but in big socks instead, when he pushed me into watching Day Break for 6 hours (I kind of hate these "series") in a row, when he got me into a car with him, when he got me on that motorcycle with him, when we were running around Katwijk looking for a pharmacy, when MAX was a must-go-to -before-I-die since they had coffee and we didn't, when there was too much Kwak, when he got lost on the way from his home to mine, when we woke up together, when he was running around naked in my room looking for clothes and suddenly stopped and said "you don't happen to have a towel, do you?" before heading off to my closet looking for one, when he called in the middle of the night just to say "hey - I got it, I know how to solve it - call you in the morning" and then just hung up without saying more just for calling couple of hours later again, when he told me that things were not going to work out, when he told me about the "red ones" and I just said "I know, you don't have to tell me", when he told me that "mad world" was a nice description of his life, when he went into his "your majesty mood", ..., and all the other things not to be forgotten.

Axel - R.I.P my dear. You are and will stay in our hearts.
Miss you so much.

Everything passes with time, memories fade away even if they remain, even this I guess - but currently it hurts so much to even walk by his old house.

starting from scratch again

*** starting from scratch again ***



...more details to come
...old posts moved into archive, might publish them again later on