31 January 2008

should let go

He has been around, on and off, for quite some time now. It does not matter anymore. The past and the present tell me that i should let go this time. For real. Cut the strings and not go back. Not turn around. Just keep going and forget him.

Maybe one day we will find a way to be "friends only".

Keeping this up right now only makes both of us go crazy. Since that is what is happening, at least with me. I get annoyed. I feel pushed. I feel like crap. I feel like he is on my nerves all the time. I feel like I don't want to see him.

I have been avoiding him lately, can admit that, not without a reason though. Can not continue like this, it has to stop soon.

BUT - I somehow love him even though I hate him.

How can I both love and hate someone so much at the same time? I have to stop this before I start to hate myself for it.

I have to put an end to this since it is probably the best for both of us.

why, ooh why?

I recovered this one from one of my other blogs, from the past. Originally posted last year with the same name.
These lines in the beginning are all I am going to add.


I should not need to ask, I do know.

He is no longer among us, the friend who has been going up and down lately and for some time. The past and the present became too much to handle.

Been there, done that. Been close to that line, but I found something to live for - so here I am today. Maybe not always happy, but alive.

"and I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world"

I remember the crazy, sometimes mad moments but also the sad ones: all the times when Jens was declared being a complete idiot, when he walked around at uni in the middle of the winter without shoes but in big socks instead, when he pushed me into watching Day Break for 6 hours (I kind of hate these "series") in a row, when he got me into a car with him, when he got me on that motorcycle with him, when we were running around Katwijk looking for a pharmacy, when MAX was a must-go-to -before-I-die since they had coffee and we didn't, when there was too much Kwak, when he got lost on the way from his home to mine, when we woke up together, when he was running around naked in my room looking for clothes and suddenly stopped and said "you don't happen to have a towel, do you?" before heading off to my closet looking for one, when he called in the middle of the night just to say "hey - I got it, I know how to solve it - call you in the morning" and then just hung up without saying more just for calling couple of hours later again, when he told me that things were not going to work out, when he told me about the "red ones" and I just said "I know, you don't have to tell me", when he told me that "mad world" was a nice description of his life, when he went into his "your majesty mood", ..., and all the other things not to be forgotten.

Axel - R.I.P my dear. You are and will stay in our hearts.
Miss you so much.

Everything passes with time, memories fade away even if they remain, even this I guess - but currently it hurts so much to even walk by his old house.

19 January 2008


What would life be without conflicts? Imagine a world in which all the people dressed in the same way, liked the same kind of music, ate the same food, watched the same kind of movies, drank the same kind of beer, enjoyed the same kind of travels and so on.

A bit boring maybe? Well, I think so. Then I rather take whatever conflicts I end up in. Cleared out one of them yesterday, feels a lot better now. One down, one to go.

...but then again what are all these things compared to what happens over in Kenya? Those people have problems.

Some random stuff...

  • Shpongle - Around the World in a Tea Daze
  • Winnerbäck - Om du lämnar mig nu
  • charcoal drawings
  • black-and-white photograpgy
  • spring water
  • rooibos with ginseng

13 January 2008

shadows from the past

As a shadow from the past, someone must have forgotten it. Walked by this one today and came to think of the summer, ooh some lovely summer. So far away. Maybe I should do another "Eurotrip" this summer? Anyone who wants to join me?
Spoke to my sister today, maybe I should go to Germany and visit her again soon?

Got a call from a really old friend of mine this weekend, another shadow from the past, they seem to be haunting me at the moment.

08 January 2008

like a burning flame

It is like a burning flame, how can I love and hate someone this much at the same time? Maybe it is true, as people say, that these two things are really close.

Today has just been one of these days when you feel like putting a blanket over your head and forget all about everything.

Ooh, Vienna. Going there to (1) see some friends; (2) attend an infra ws; (3) have some fun; and (4) hopefully see something of Vienna itself.

07 January 2008

lost...and found?


Feeling kind of lost today, as if my head is not attached to my body, as if there is a gap there. Tired, probably forgotten to take the damn red pills again so maybe I should look for them.

Leaving for Vienna on the 25th of February, finally got myself some tickets this morning. Straight to Vienna, no stops along the way.

Ooh life...should find my way back soon.

06 January 2008

it is a new dawn, it is a new day, it is a...

"Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel

It is a new dawn
It is a new day
It is a new life for me, yea
It is a new dawn, it is a new day
It is a new life for me

And I am feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River runnin' free
You know how I feel
Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel

It is a new dawn
It is a new day
It is a new life for me

And I am feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun
You know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all having fun
You know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day's done, that is what I mean

And this old world
Is a new world
And a bold world for me, yeah, yeah

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It is a new dawn
It is a new day
It is a new life for me

And I am feeling good
Oh, I am feeling good!"


This is the song "Feeling Good" written during the 60's by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newly
. So, why did I put this here? Well, I got a version of this one sent to me from a friend not that long ago and I somehow like it.

05 January 2008

new year - new mistakes?


New year - new life? - new mistakes?

Who knows, let us find out.

...but first, let me "close" the "old" year.

2007 in short:

  • Made a bunch of stupid mistakes (Sweden & NL);
  • Some of my dearest friends killed themselves/died in accidents;
  • Made five trips to the Netherlands;
  • Met a lot of new people, found a few really good friends among them;
  • Spent the summer in Luleå;
  • Moved away from Luleå;
  • Got released from my secretary duties;
  • Joined the evil (?) forces of infra;
  • "restarted" an open relationship;
  • Got addicted to oranges;
...and so on!

Based upon this, what will happen during this year? New mistakes? New places to see? New things to explore? New people to meet? New people to become friends with? New people to ignore? New people to love? New people to hate? More friends to bury?